I slept like a log and ended up in the fireplace…

              It can’t get much lamer, but it was the best of a bad bunch…

Satire

Children dream a lot and so do old people. The first part of this statement is based on stuff I’ve read and the second on personal experience. As I’m old, dream a lot and am a sort of average old fart, I suspect that other old people dream too.

In fact I have a lot of nightmares, and that, I appear to have in common with kids. Little children have all sorts of dreams of monsters, witches, dragons, giants and the lord knows what else. I dream of getting lost or of falling off cliffs. There is no satire here as it is the naked trues.

That kids suffer nightmares we can probably blame on the Brothers Grimm, and the murderous history of our ancestors who excelled at staging public executions of the most horrendous variety. Not just beheadings and hangings, but also garroting, public disembowelment and quartering. Fortunately kids stop dreaming of horror once they go into puberty. From there on their dreams are pleasant, if somewhat soggy.

By the way, every time I dream of falling off a roof or a cliff, I find myself waking up on the floor next to the bed. I do that a lot and to prevent myself from getting hurt, I have a very thick piece of carpet flanking the bed and land softly.

                      Polar bears dreaming of snow and ice

And then there are daydreams, dreams of success, wealth, love and revenge. And what about nightmarish worries about money, losing a job, ending up homeless. Worries about children and other loved ones and when you get older the fear of dementia. I prefer that term over that other horror word.

So, now you know about my biggest fear in aging, Alz-fucking-heimer! We are all going to lose our minds when we bite the dust, but losing it while you slowly die? What asshole thought that up as a reward for good behavior? Surely not the good Lord? Must have been his pall, the one with  the tail and horns.

All the above as an excuse to tell you about a horror dream I had not so long ago. I was walking in the forest with my two dogs, Chester and Jean Jacques. It was night and we had an urgent mission. I know not of what nature. I was scared and the dogs nervous.

When we came round a bend in the path, we were confronted with a troop of very large Raccoons and my trusted companions went into a screaming attack. The largest of the raccoons, a  ‘Mike Tyson’ type, came for me. I naturally ran like hell (that alone proves it was a dream) but he caught me and held me in a stranglehold. I fought back, but not very hard as I did not wish to anger him. I remember speaking to him and telling him, “ Be nice Mike, please be nice. You are not a bad guy, just big, strong and at times a little nasty.” To no avail. He tightened his hold and we both fell off a cliff (again).

I woke up on the floor, next to the bed with the bedsheet strangling me, and the dogs barking like crazy at something outside and my wife leaning over the side of the bed, wanting to know, “What the hell are you doing on the floor again?”

Are you at all surprised that I have no intention whatsoever to ‘follow’ my dreams?

Making an effort to find some amusing quotes about dreaming, I found few. Most of them are either lame, sweet or just total nonsense. I found one I liked. It must have been thought up by an employer: .

“The bridge between reality and a dream is work.”

And he was laughing all the way to the bank.

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